life in the margins

Give Peace a Chance

davidbarker — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:39:00 -0500

It was the best of busts; it was the worst of busts, the day I took down Tony Sarducci.

There was once a time when we had such hopes for the man. It was nearly ten years ago now that he made the announcement. “I'm goin' clean,” he said. Even the papers picked it up. Front page news: “Sarducci runs a new game.” He gave us the feeling that anything was possible.

Give Peace a Chance ::

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Yeskia 9mm

davidbarker — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 23:36:00 -0500

Think dufferent! That’s the motto of Yeskia, the Swedish cell phone manufacturing giant. (It could’ve been “Think different!” but then they’d be just like everybody else.) To break into the American market with their latest product line, they decide to incorporate all their electronic devices (digicam, camcorder, mp3 player, browser, etc.) not into a conventional cell phone, but into something more widespread – the handgun. The result is the Yeskia 9mm. You can shoot video, shoot people, chat with friends, surf your favourite web sites and listen to music all at the same time.

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Public Works

davidbarker — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 22:07:00 -0400

Why is the grass always greener … ? Why do we always feel compelled to keep up with the Joneses? And who the hell are the Joneses that we’d feel such a compulsion in the first place? Of course, when you dig a little deeper, you find that things aren’t always what they seem. Sometimes, it’s better if you don’t get what you want – especially when what you want comes from envy.

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Everlasting Gobstoppers

davidbarker — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:53:00 -0400

Willy Wonka loves the Oompa-Loompas and they love him back. You see, they're funny looking: they're short and have orange skin, with rotten teeth and bad breath, and they sing the damnedest song. The first time he ever saw them, Willy's heart brimmed with compassion. It was a sordid business, off-loading kegs from the local brewery and finding themselves (there in the alley behind the Detroit Eatery) the unwilling participants in an impromptu dwarf-throwing contest.

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Jack the Giant Killer

davidbarker — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 16:51:00 -0400

Doctor Horvath motioned for Jack to take a seat by the round, low coffee table while he settled himself in a swiveling chair in front of the bare desk, and then he turned to face Jack while resting his right elbow on the desk. He tore a marked page from his pad (with the logo of a pharmaceutical company in the lower right corner) and dated a fresh page. Jack’s file lay close at hand.

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Sex With Dead People

davidbarker — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 21:57:00 -0400

While cleaning a funerary vase from Queen Nefertiti’s tomb, a dweeb of an Egyptologist named Ikky gets some dirt on his collar which ends up on his paleontologist girlfriend’s lips. Interesting things happen between the two of them, but when Ikky suggests that it might have something to do with the dirt, his girlfriend laughs it off. Rubbish! And to prove how ridiculous Ikky’s theory is, she puts some dirt on his lips that comes from an Allosaurus she’s preparing for exhibit. The moral? Sometimes you need to listen to dweeb Egyptologists.

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John Henry

davidbarker — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 22:03:00 -0400

John Henry is a legend that pits humanity against the dehumanizing forces of technology – in this case the dehumanizing forces of a fancy schmancy lawn mower. Rick and John square off in a suburban lawn-mowing competition to see whether muscle and a good push mower can even come close to the efficiency of a top-of-the-line gas-powered mower.

John Henry ::

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Letter from Nigeria

davidbarker — Tue, 24 Jun 2008 23:02:00 -0400

Ever get one of those scam letters or emails from Nigeria? Who hasn’t? They’re the ones that ask for money to help administer the estate of some dead general who has millions locked up in a Swiss bank account. But what if … ? Here’s a story about someone who answers one of those scam letters – with unexpected results.

Letter from Nigeria ::

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A Model Abuser

davidbarker — Mon, 19 May 2008 23:00:00 -0400

Ever run into someone who has difficulty distinguishing fact from fiction? Like the guy who believes everything an advertiser says about a product. “It’s the real thing. For a fresh clean scent. There’s no life like it.” Here’s a story about an encounter with such a person.

A Model Abuser ::

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Metro Police, PCU

davidbarker — Thu, 15 May 2008 22:57:00 -0400

Can political correctness go too far? Or are some people just such assholes that extraordinary measures are justified? Read a tale where special measures are used to deal with just such an asshole.

Metro Police, PCU ::

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Alien Rednecks

davidbarker — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 22:54:00 -0400

Here’s the story behind unexplained crop circles – as told by a redneck from a farm in the American midwest.

Alien Rednecks ::

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My Name is URL

davidbarker — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 22:52:00 -0400

People who come late in life to the internet should proceed with caution. Terrible things can happen.

My Name is URL ::

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The Obituary

davidbarker — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 22:49:00 -0400

What if you woke up one day and discovered that your obituary had been published in the newspaper? How would you deal with it? What about the person who was responsible for the mistake? How would he deal with it? This is a story about saving face.

The Obituary ::

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shock and awe

davidbarker — Tue, 18 Mar 2008 22:47:00 -0400

we the implicated
we the intricated
we the strand and
bolt of fabric
woven tight like
mother's love and
screaming child
...
(listen to the whole poem)

shock and awe ::

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The Beetles

davidbarker — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 22:44:00 -0400

Nowadays we live in a global economy, which means we also share one another’s insects. Bugs from one part of the world sometimes aren’t suited to other parts of the world. This is a story about how things go wrong with the Asian Long-Horned Beetle. Keep a close watch on your children.

The Beetles ::

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The Book

davidbarker — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:42:00 -0500

Environmentalism is a huge issue – perhaps THE issue. Certainly it’s a huge issue from the environment’s point of view. We should be careful; the environment might be plotting its revenge.

The Book ::

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Unmoved

davidbarker — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 22:40:00 -0500

The ceiling fan above doesn't turn.
It waits on a switch that never trips.
The snow outside sits cold and white.
It waits on a sun that never shines.
The world is a head with empty sockets
spinning itself into nothing and nothing
stirs me as I lie on my bed and see how
the ceiling fan above doesn't turn.
...
(listen to the whole poem)

Unmoved ::

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The Green Pill

davidbarker — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 22:36:00 -0500

Ever have to pee when you’re riding the subway? What happens if the train gets stuck in a tunnel when you’re sitting desperately holding it in? This is one person’s account of a bladder emergency.

The Green Pill ::

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The colour-dappled lie

davidbarker — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 22:34:00 -0500

Do you wonder what I do
now I'm gone away from you?
Do you imagine how I live
with the freedom that you give?
Do you stand alone and gaze
at the brightly whorled haze
from my spackled palette knife
that paints a lustrous life?
Or do you look with clearer eye
past the colour-dappled lie
to the worn concrete greys
of my empty days?
Or do you call me back to you
in a soft and pastel hue
arguing the virtue of
what passed for love?
Though I wish to lie with you
it is the lie I must undo.
Only when I am untrue
will I show good faith to you.

The colour-dappled lie ::

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Age of Radicals

davidbarker — Tue, 05 Feb 2008 22:32:00 -0500

When I was a teen
it was inconceivable
that I might find radical
tucked in the folds
of an old man's face.
Now in my forties
(though with a boy's libido)
I see in the mirror
how the first lines crack
my youthful veneer.
From mid-day the dawn light
looks the same as the dusk.
Which explains why old fogies
spend so much time counting change
at the check out:
they're protesting something.

Age of Radicals ::

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